Stage Deli: The Eye of the Meat Storm

Stage Deli: Pastrami Sandwich, visited 5/5/010
F.A.L.C.O.N. Rating
7/10 falcons


stage deli is everything i feel we have rejected in the west. it is a high class deli (delicatessen is what they call them here) where people go and spend more money on a sandwich than canada does on homeland security. the waiters (thats right, its a sit down sandwich place, weird) are dressed in the same uniforms that their serving forefathers did fifty years ago and they treat their patrons like idiots. kind of a working class snobbery that dickens eloquently called the "bully of humility". In fact, if this blog rated sandwiches based on service i think i would have to give this place 0/10 falcons.

However, i try to make this blog about the sandwiches. the experience is ancillary to the taste. i mean, c'mon, they're sandwiches, i'll probably eventually blog about a sandwich that i get from coney island from some circus freak who toasts his sandwiches quizno's style by shooting laser beams out of his eyes and stabbing a sword through it. the sandwich comes first, i have always regarded my sandwich integrity as one of my finer qualities.

so, i was referred to this sandwich place by a website that rated the best pastrami sandwiches in new york. it was #4 on the list of 10 sandwiches. pastrami has always been one of my favorite sandwich meats (the #9 at togos still holds a magical place in my upbringing) so i decided to order the sandwich that put this place on the map. I ordered the pastrami.

WARNING: if you are reading this blog and (saddly) taking my advice on sandwich places you should actually eat at in new york then i think you should hear this before i move on. as i said before, this is all about the taste of the sandwich and no other factor goes into my F.A.L.C.O.N. rating system. not even $$$ price. so let me tell you, this sandwich is expensive. looking back at it i feel like an absolute sucker for paying as much as i did for this sandwich. i am even too embarrassed to tell you how much it was. lets put it this way, you can see the menu on the internet... guess what you dont see on that menu. so, just so you know, this sandwich is literally worth its weight in gold. END WARNING.

So, i got the pastrami. notice how i did not tag the word "sandwich" onto the word "pastrami" in the last sentence, yeah, that was by design. the "sandwich" was more like the meat library of alexandria held together by two rye bookends. In fact, as i held the half sandwich in my had it reminded me of the red storm that has been brewing on jupiter for the past million years. it intimidated me a little.

there i was, looking into the pastrami abyss. it looked back. sized me up. it either winked or began to cry, i couldn't tell. then it began to sing to me in a seductive, african american voice. it went something like this, "I ain't gonna worry, I ain't gonna push, won't push you [andy], So c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, [andy], stop beatin' 'round the bush." i took that as a dare.

the sandwich was too big for mouth. some animals have the ability to unhinge their jaws in order to fit their mouths around large objects, i think mankind was lucky to not get that in the evolution lottery. could you imagine how many fatalities we would have from people seeing how many marshmallows or carrots they could wedge into their faces? I digress. Anyway, the sandwich was too big for me to put into my mouth so i had the go at an angle, much like trying to move a sofa through a hallway and into a small room, it took some maneuvering.

the pastrami was amazing... like brined world peace. this may sound drug induced but i really felt like i had followed a rainbow to its end and found a jewish leprechaun standing over his pot of gold. he beckoned me to come forward and accept my price. i approached and instead of a pot of cold he had a pot filled with pastrami. i reached both hands into the pot, made a snowball like orb of salty meat and took a bite as big as my body allowed me. then i think the leprecohen gave me a high five or something, i dont remember.

the pastrami was amazing, the sandwich was good. i am one of those guys who loves meat, but i feel meat need a team. i feel that a good sandwich is more like a basketball team than a tennis star. You may have a star player, but no matter how good andrei kirilenko is he will never be able to defend five guys all on his own. the andrei kirilenko team would get last place every year. this sandwich needed some supporting characters. maybe a little tomato and lettuce. and maybe a little bread.