Science Can't Explain White Castle

WARNING! THIS GETS GROSS.

SCIENTISTS! i think you are right most of the time, but you have gotten one very important thing wrong: inanimate objects can be malicious. The other day i woke up and tried to get out of bed, but i was all wrapped up in my blanket... i think it was trying to constrict me or something. it took me a whole 2 minutes to fight my way out of it. I put that blanket down cause once a blanket has the taste for human flesh they never go back.

about a week ago i tried to answer my phone while sitting in a giant bean bag. The phone kept ringing (luckily i had a cool ringtone, Far Away from Wolfmother) and i grappled with my crinkled up pants pocket to get my phone out to answer the call. my pocket would not relinquish my phone. as i struggled against all the dubious forces of cloth and gravity the beanbag seemed to paralyze me with a very clever yet comfortable sleeper hold. i gradually sank deeper and deeper into the brown fabric of the love sack all the while struggling with all the heart Gordon Bombay taught me in Mighty Ducks 2 to wrestle my musical phone from my grabby pocket. i was being double teamed by two distinct, yet one in purpose, villainous cuts of clothe. needless to say i missed the call.

these are just two instances of inanimate objects rising up out of the darkness of the "unaware" to become "self-aware" and make my life miserable... but never before has there been an object to equal the white castle slider in the art of maliciously ruining ones day.

"Sliders": White Castle

F.A.L.C.O.N. Rating

0/10 falcons

my buddy chad and i were hungry in the borough of brooklyn. he lived near an old timey establishment known by most as white castle and known by the discerning as food hell. sadly, i had never heard much about white castle aside from the occasional, "those sliders are so small" or "oh, like harold and kumar...". so i went into my suggestion of "why dont we try white castle?" assuming one of two possibilities. 1) I would get to meet two ridiculous hollywood stereotypes that i had never had an interest in ever seeing in a movie (kumar is pretty good in House and Harold was pretty good as sulu) or 2) i would get to see some little sliders. neither happened, unless you want to call those food leprosy goblins that i ate that

night sliders.

we approached the white castle as happy as daffodils and did not read between the lines when we offered to buy a bum sitting outside the restaurant a slider from inside.

quickly the bum responded "no." we did not realize that what the bum was really saying was "I am starving. I smell like cat urine. i just pooped in public and people could see me and i didnt care. but you will never see me eating a white castle slider." chad and i, like trusty old dogs believing their owners aretaking them to the park when really they are being taken to be euthanized, walked headlong into an adventure that would quickly become as adventurous as gum cancer.

i bought three "sliders". they were small and they were cheap. i wanted to run the gamut on flavor so i ordered one regular "slider", one cheese

"slider", and one jalepeno "slider". what i got was one meat-sponge-soaked-in-the-tears-of-orphans, one protein-square-boiled-in-cirrhosis-of-the-liver, and one dirty-sanchez-deep-fried-in-broken-hearts. they should really change their menu so people actually know what they are buying.

i grabbed my meat-sponge-soaked-in-the-tears-of-orphans between my index finger and my thumb not expecting to be impressed but still with the hope that the food would be edible. i took my first bite... have you ever been

hit in the mouth with an aluminum baseball bat? my littlebrother did when he was like 5 or 6 and he nearly bit his tongue off... and i think i did when i bit into my "slider". I only took one bite. the protein square boiled in cirrhosis of the liver took a little longer to make me throw up in my mouth but proved to be strong in the clutch and nearly killed me in the 9th inning. again, one bite. the dirty-sanchez-deep-fried-in-broken-hearts was as amiable as al-qaeda. these "sliders" were trying to poison me and mr. white castle was going to let them do it. these "sliders" had somehow huddled together between the register and my table and decided on killing me on the spot. how could a place with a name as fortifying as white castle let wolves into the sacred den of dinner? shame on you mr. white castle, i dont know what kind of establishment you are running but i am afraid you are losing control and the "sliders" are running you.

for the love of everything that is holy, and for all future dinner arrangements, never go to white castle. if Job came to me and said "andy, you are an awesome guy. i have suffered more than all mortal men." i would have to ask "Job, have you tried the "sliders" at white castle". he might respond "no i haven't, andy". then i would simply state, "Job, you haven't suffered anything."

since this post was definitely a downer i want to end on a high note. can you get any higher than this?

A Fantabulous Night to Eat Sandwiches

My favorite musician is Van Morrison. i think i came to that realization about four months ago. I was all stoked on "tupelo honey" and "youre my woman" when i went to my sister joslyn's graduation from BYU Idaho. So, i was listening to my favorite Morrison songs while i was driving my family to dinner in idaho. let me take a minute to explain the day a bit--

I drove up from provo to idaho to see my sista graduate and hang with my family that had all showed up to celebrate the first graduate in our family (mom, she beat you by a few weeks, and jeff youre about as graduated as a killer whale is a whale ((they're not, everyone! they are dolphins!)), i guess kelly got her associates but i wont consider her graduate until she can cut my hair legally). Anyway, no one in my family had been in montecore yet (my car, named after the white tiger that mauled roy from the famous duo of sigfried and roy) so i took my family for a joy ride and we wound up driving to cafe rio where i paid homage to my car's namesake and mauled a burrito. this was an interesting experience since i dont think i had ever driven my dad anywhere. i wonder if he liked my driving...

--i digress. anyway, we listened to van morrison on the way. my dad was like "andy, i like your taste in music." then i promptly said "ya know, i just can't get enough of this guy's slurred lyrics and gravelly voice, one of the few musical personalities i feel ok singing to". then kelly, not wanting to seem un-cool said from the back seat "Dad, i liked Van Morrison way before Andy!" a conversation then ensued about how i had listened to the Van way back in high school but that it was mostly "brown eyed girl" and "moondance" and that she was still busy losing her soul to NSYNC back then. Anyways, this leads me to wonder, why does it matter who liked van morrison first, he is a classic... people have liked him since way before i was just a twinkle in my mom's eye.

Why couldn't kelly and i just realize that we were two of like a kabillion van morrison fans. it is because we always want to feel like we have found something new... that we are pioneers or something... like we are lewis and clark in the exploration of our own monroe doctrine... we are afrika bambaataa and the rest of the world is just simon and garfunkel or something. I'll relinquish my claim that i discovered Van Morrison because i can now replace it with a new doozey, i have discovered a rad sandwich place--Katz's Deli, and i found it first!

Pastrami Sandwich: Katz's Deli
F.A.L.C.O.N. Rating
9/10 falcons

This place was founded in 1888 and i dont understand how they could still be in business since i didn't discover them until 122 years later... and i found them first. i know you have never really heard of it before so let me help out their struggling business and tell you that their sandwiches are worth trying and they could definitely use your help to stay in business.

I went with my buddy chad. He got the Reuben (a sandwich that taught me the hard way that the sum can be less appetizing than the taste of its individual parts) and i got the pastrami. while you wait for them to make your sandwich they cut you a couple of pieces of meat to nibble on. when i put the pastrami in my mouth it seemed to disolve in my mouth it was so tender, like a meat alka seltzer tablet. the pastrami was like a miracle healing at a baptist church, cured to perfection.

The sandwich was simple enough in appearance, two pieces of rye containing some deli mustard and about two handfuls of meat heaven... i think they get katz's pastrami in apex predator heaven. Much like my previous pastrami sandwich that i blogged about from stage deli, this sandwich was massive and required some maneuvering to get it in my mouth. but once i did the meat just liquefied and made teeth nothing more than a luxury... i know a few hockey players that would have no trouble eating this sandwich.

this sandwich blew my mind into little tic tac sized bits. I dont think i have ever had pastrami quite like this (step aside togos #9, you have finally been dethroned in the a massive meat coup). I know i have made a fuss about how sandwiches need more than just meat, that it is a food of love and condiments, well this sandwich had all the love of a karate robot; replacing kisses on the cheek with drop kicks into blissful oblivion.

I know you have never heard of Katz's deli. I know the place is just trying to stay afloat since no one has ever been there before, but trust me, dont let the long lines trick you... this place is good. Try it out. In fact, it is so good that i was casually talking with chad through the internets trying to figure some things out on twitter when chad articulated something that had been on my mind everyday since our trip to katz's.I took the liberty to screen shot our conversation so you could see what im talking about. reading this chat message again i envision chad sitting on a mound of gold coins, like uncle scrooge from duck tails. His family, friends and like 500 coppers all shot to death at his feet and his life in shambles after years of drug trafficking and an addiction to gambling. He looks to a painting of his long dead, handsome, business partner (me) on his wall. a lonely tear forms in his left eye and he mutters under his breath "i want another katz sandwich" the movie then fades to black and you hear the voice of the dead business partner reply "me too..."... then the movie ends and the credits roll.

Katz's Deli, a real meat diamond in the rough.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KELLY!

Robert Green Should Catch this Sandwich

My mom likes watching star trek. i guess i need to specify that a bit, my mom liked watching star trek the next generation. she has a thing for bald guys with a ton of integrity. so, needless to say i got my fair share of space, the final frontier, growing up. and one thing that all these idealistic futures have in common is that earth is not broken up into little political factions. earth, joined by a common enemy (aliens) has somehow put aside thousands of years of differences and has created a global utopia. what a terrible idea.

THE WORLD CUP!
a competition of rivaling nations pitted together to fight with out arms on the pitch of history. no other competition in the world holds so much in the balance. just listen to the match-ups of this current world cup and look at it in a world history perspective. germany vs. england (battle of brittain, etc.). netherlands vs. denmark (i dont know much about their history, but i think they might be neighbors and i know they are european so chances are they hate eachother) . mexico vs. france (can anybody say francisco goya saw this coming?). and africa vs. any western country (do i even need to mention why africa should be mad at everybody?). would we really want to give up the world cup in exchange for peace. only a bunch of cat lovers would even have to think about that.

one of the best games in terms of high school world history was played a few weeks ago in the first round of games... USA vs. England. now that is a strong history cocktail: the stamp act, the burning of washington dc, us bailing england out of two world wars, monte python "and now for something completely different", etc. travesties, all of them. So, in order to celebrate the USA against England i decided to eat a sandwich... at a pub.

Liam's Pub and Restaurant: Club Sandwich
F.A.L.C.O.N. Rating
8/10 falcons

sometimes sandwiches are like cakes. i know if i were to say that to my sister, kelly, she would say "no way. no way no how. cake would kill sandwich with his bare hands". In fact, my level of obsession for sandwiches pales in comparison to kelly's love for cake. Any ways, sandwiches are like cakes. not all cakes taste great. and some very important cakes never taste good. I watch the next food network challenge fairly often and some of the cakes the people make look awesome, but probably taste like wet flour covered in play dough. ive had some wedding cakes that would make you wish you had just eaten a handful of thumb tacks. that being said, the bride and groom don't care how the cake tastes, they just got married and im sure that is all that matters. you see, cake is about as good as the situation. A great ice cream cake eaten all by yourself is just sad (unless you are liz lemon, then it is attractive), and a BP oil spill cake eaten by you and good company in outer space is awesome! sometimes sandwiches are like cakes.

the situation. U.S.A. beats england 1-1. we eventually win the group only to be beaten by our new rival and downright lousy country Ghana (back off PC police, it isn't a lousy country cause its in africa, its a lousy country because their red and yellow uniforms sucked). the ambiance in the pub that day, back to USA vs England, was amazing. in one corner we had captain america: a shirtless man with an american flag as a cape and a worn our straw cowboy hat covering a head full of obscenities. in the other corner their was king england, red and white face paint, all kinds of cool/articulate chants, and shirtless as well.

the company. In one corner we had katie: mild mannered girl, great smile, could kick it with the boys, and willing to listen to me act like an idiot while she probably knew more about soccer than i did. In the other corner we have trevor: anything but a mild mannered girl, he's a boy, and about as mild mannered as a cat in a washing machine. trevor, though eroneous in his world cup political affiliations, was good to have around cause he defintely knows more about soccer than me. over all, great company.

The sandwich. Katie and I were feeling a little hungry from all the freedom vs. tyranny on the tv, so we ordered an all american club sandwich. it was really good, especially considering we bought it at a bar (this pub might be a hidden gem, i took my friend oliver here a few weeks late and he had a hamburger and i had nachos... both were great as well). The bacon on the sandwich was crispy, the turkey had that authentic wet yet dry texture similar to that of a british comedy underwater, and the bread was toasted whole wheat delicious.

So, while i sat and watched the USA humiliate Robert Green and lay the ground work for a disappointing world cup for both countries, i ate a great sandwich. i dont even remember what it tasted like. just that it tasted like great company, and an awesome soccer game.

Just to finish. this has nothing to do with sandwiches, but check out my favorite subway mosaic. Its a bear wearing clothes. Hilarious. trust me.