SCIENTISTS! i think you are right most of the time, but you have gotten one very important thing wrong: inanimate objects can be malicious. The other day i woke up and tried to get out of bed, but i was all wrapped up in my blanket... i think it was trying to constrict me or something. it took me a whole 2 minutes to fight my way out of it. I put that blanket down cause once a blanket has the taste for human flesh they never go back.
about a week ago i tried to answer my phone while sitting in a giant bean bag. The phone kept ringing (luckily i had a cool ringtone, Far Away from Wolfmother) and i grappled with my crinkled up pants pocket to get my phone out to answer the call. my pocket would not relinquish my phone. as i struggled against all the dubious forces of cloth and gravity the beanbag seemed to paralyze me with a very clever yet comfortable sleeper hold. i gradually sank deeper and deeper into the brown fabric of the love sack all the while struggling with all the heart Gordon Bombay taught me in Mighty Ducks 2 to wrestle my musical phone from my grabby pocket. i was being double teamed by two distinct, yet one in purpose, villainous cuts of clothe. needless to say i missed the call.
these are just two instances of inanimate objects rising up out of the darkness of the "unaware" to become "self-aware" and make my life miserable... but never before has there been an object to equal the white castle slider in the art of maliciously ruining ones day.
"Sliders": White Castle
we approached the white castle as happy as daffodils and did not read between the lines when we offered to buy a bum sitting outside the restaurant a slider from inside.
quickly the bum responded "no." we did not realize that what the bum was really saying was "I am starving. I smell like cat urine. i just pooped in public and people could see me and i didnt care. but you will never see me eating a white castle slider." chad and i, like trusty old dogs believing their owners aretaking them to the park when really they are being taken to be euthanized, walked headlong into an adventure that would quickly become as adventurous as gum cancer.
i bought three "sliders". they were small and they were cheap. i wanted to run the gamut on flavor so i ordered one regular "slider", one cheese
hit in the mouth with an aluminum baseball bat? my littlebrother did when he was like 5 or 6 and he nearly bit his tongue off... and i think i did when i bit into my "slider". I only took one bite. the protein square boiled in cirrhosis of the liver took a little longer to make me throw up in my mouth but proved to be strong in the clutch and nearly killed me in the 9th inning. again, one bite. the dirty-sanchez-deep-fried-in-broken-hearts was as amiable as al-qaeda. these "sliders" were trying to poison me and mr. white castle was going to let them do it. these "sliders" had somehow huddled together between the register and my table and decided on killing me on the spot. how could a place with a name as fortifying as white castle let wolves into the sacred den of dinner? shame on you mr. white castle, i dont know what kind of establishment you are running but i am afraid you are losing control and the "sliders" are running you.
for the love of everything that is holy, and for all future dinner arrangements, never go to white castle. if Job came to me and said "andy, you are an awesome guy. i have suffered more than all mortal men." i would have to ask "Job, have you tried the "sliders" at white castle". he might respond "no i haven't, andy". then i would simply state, "Job, you haven't suffered anything."
F.A.L.C.O.N. Rating
0/10 falcons
my buddy chad and i were hungry in the borough of brooklyn. he lived near an old timey establishment known by most as white castle and known by the discerning as food hell. sadly, i had never heard much about white castle aside from the occasional, "those sliders are so small" or "oh, like harold and kumar...". so i went into my suggestion of "why dont we try white castle?" assuming one of two possibilities. 1) I would get to meet two ridiculous hollywood stereotypes that i had never had an interest in ever seeing in a movie (kumar is pretty good in House and Harold was pretty good as sulu) or 2) i would get to see some little sliders. neither happened, unless you want to call those food leprosy goblins that i ate that
my buddy chad and i were hungry in the borough of brooklyn. he lived near an old timey establishment known by most as white castle and known by the discerning as food hell. sadly, i had never heard much about white castle aside from the occasional, "those sliders are so small" or "oh, like harold and kumar...". so i went into my suggestion of "why dont we try white castle?" assuming one of two possibilities. 1) I would get to meet two ridiculous hollywood stereotypes that i had never had an interest in ever seeing in a movie (kumar is pretty good in House and Harold was pretty good as sulu) or 2) i would get to see some little sliders. neither happened, unless you want to call those food leprosy goblins that i ate that
night sliders.
we approached the white castle as happy as daffodils and did not read between the lines when we offered to buy a bum sitting outside the restaurant a slider from inside.
quickly the bum responded "no." we did not realize that what the bum was really saying was "I am starving. I smell like cat urine. i just pooped in public and people could see me and i didnt care. but you will never see me eating a white castle slider." chad and i, like trusty old dogs believing their owners aretaking them to the park when really they are being taken to be euthanized, walked headlong into an adventure that would quickly become as adventurous as gum cancer.i bought three "sliders". they were small and they were cheap. i wanted to run the gamut on flavor so i ordered one regular "slider", one cheese
"slider", and one jalepeno "slider". what i got was one meat-sponge-soaked-in-the-tears-of-orphans, one protein-square-boiled-in-cirrhosis-of-the-liver, and one dirty-sanchez-deep-fried-in-broken-hearts. they should really change their menu so people actually know what they are buying.
i grabbed my meat-sponge-soaked-in-the-tears-of-orphans between my index finger and my thumb not expecting to be impressed but still with the hope that the food would be edible. i took my first bite... have you ever been
i grabbed my meat-sponge-soaked-in-the-tears-of-orphans between my index finger and my thumb not expecting to be impressed but still with the hope that the food would be edible. i took my first bite... have you ever been
hit in the mouth with an aluminum baseball bat? my littlebrother did when he was like 5 or 6 and he nearly bit his tongue off... and i think i did when i bit into my "slider". I only took one bite. the protein square boiled in cirrhosis of the liver took a little longer to make me throw up in my mouth but proved to be strong in the clutch and nearly killed me in the 9th inning. again, one bite. the dirty-sanchez-deep-fried-in-broken-hearts was as amiable as al-qaeda. these "sliders" were trying to poison me and mr. white castle was going to let them do it. these "sliders" had somehow huddled together between the register and my table and decided on killing me on the spot. how could a place with a name as fortifying as white castle let wolves into the sacred den of dinner? shame on you mr. white castle, i dont know what kind of establishment you are running but i am afraid you are losing control and the "sliders" are running you.for the love of everything that is holy, and for all future dinner arrangements, never go to white castle. if Job came to me and said "andy, you are an awesome guy. i have suffered more than all mortal men." i would have to ask "Job, have you tried the "sliders" at white castle". he might respond "no i haven't, andy". then i would simply state, "Job, you haven't suffered anything."
since this post was definitely a downer i want to end on a high note. can you get any higher than this?
As far fetched as Andy's claim that White Castle had attempted to poison him. I once went to White Castle with a few co-workers and the following day 3 of the four of us were violently ill with stomach pains.
ReplyDeleteYou're hilarious. That is all.
ReplyDelete